The OFFICIAL Revelations DJ Translation Guide

 

The following is a brief guide to unravelling the mysterious and misguiding double-talk that so commonly occurs when we make a request (in person) to a DJ. It is by no means complete or definitive, but it still may one day save your life.

Okay,maybe we are exaggerating about that last bit, but it will nonetheless be very useful and you will use it weekly, if not more. Very well, we may have embelished a bit about that too. Just read the damn thing.

 

After you make a request...

What the DJ says:

What the DJ means:

"I don’t know if that song will fit…" "No."
"I’ll see what I can do…" "No."
"Hmmm…ok…" "No."
"Sure, I’ll play that…" "No."
"Yeah, ok man…" "No."
"Coming right up…" "No."
"Oooh, I LIKE that album…" "No."
"Ummmm…" "Oh, HELL no."
"I was just about to play that next…" "I was going to play that next, but now I’m not"
"I don’t think I have that…" "I can’t believe you asked me to play that"
"That song is actually called ‘Closer’" "Get away from me before I gouge out your eyes you drunk ass moron."
<silence> "No."
"Yes." "No."
"Hi. Whats your name?" "I would like to use my influence as a DJ to ooze my way into your panties."
"I already played that song…" "I hate that song and will never, EVER play it."
"That song is playing now. Hear it?" "Idiot."
"That’s kind of obscure…" "Dork."
"That’s kind of undancable…" "Geek."
"That’s not very industrial…" "I will only play Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, and KMFDM."
"That’s not very goth…" "I will only play Bauhaus, Sisters Of Mercy, and Rosetta Stone.
"That’s not very techno…" "I will play crap."
"Get me a drink and I’ll think about it…" "No."
<laughter> "No."
"Ok, which song of the album do you want me to play?" "This is a test to see if you indeed know the band or if you are a poser. Either way the answer is no."
"I don’t take requests…" "Your breasts are too small."
"I’m almost out of time…" "Not like I’d spend my last few songs on your rank ass requests. Loser."
"What should I play?" *This is a retorical question I ask myself. So remain silent.
"You got it. I’m taking the CD out of the case now and placing it on the console so I’ll play it…" "No."
"By all means. Make a request…" "I’m afraid you will get me in trouble with the club owner so I’m being nice. I will not play your request."
"I don’t know that song/band/album…" "They suck. So do you. Go away.
"Sure, we would be happy to have you come spin a set or two for us next week!" "I think I'll tell security your drunk so you will stop bothering me"

 

 

 

 
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